All Jokes

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."

"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"

"That you kill me first."

Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are we?"

Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"

Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?

A: A Chopin Liszt.

Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?

A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

An accordian player and banjo player happen to get a New Year's Eve gig and everything comes up "7's"....the songs are tight, the crowd is jammin', the beer is flowing, money's being made by the bushel. After the gig the club owner comes up to the two pickers and says "man....you guys were slammin' tonight...the crowd loved ya and so did I....in fact, I want you guys back for next New Years also!" The banjo players says "awesome!....can we leave our stuff set up???".

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune sax player, or Santa Claus?

A. The out of tune sax player. The other two would indicate you're hallucinating.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?

The bow is moving!

"Madam, you have an instrument between your legs that could bring pleasure to thousands, yet you insist on sitting there and scratching it!"

-- Sir Thomas Beechum, conductor, to a cellist with whose performance he was displeased!

Women are like pianos.....If they're not upright, they're grand!!!

Why couldn't Mozart find his piano teacher? He was Haydn!

A woman and her friend are walking down the sidewalk when they come upon a frog. The frog looks up at them and says, "Please help me, I'm a jazz saxophonist and a witch put a horrible spell on me and turned me into a frog. If one of you picks me up and kisses me, the spell will be broken and I'll turn back into a jazz saxophonist... I'll marry you, play you the most beautiful songs all the time, take you to all my gigs if you want, and we'll live happily ever after." The woman picks up the frog, puts it in her handbag and starts walking away very quickly. Her friend runs to catch up to her & asks, "Aren't you going to kiss the frog?!?!?" The woman replies, "Hell NO! A talking frog is worth a hell of lot more than a jazz saxophonist!"

Great Lies of the Music Business:

- The booking is definite.

- We can fix it in the mix.

- My agent will handle it.

- Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall.

- The roadie took care of it.

- The club will provide the PA and lights.

- The place was packed.

- Don't worry, you'll be the headliner.

- It's on the truck.

- My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album.

- Someone will be there early to let you in.

- I'm with the band.

- The band drinks free.

- You'll get your cut tonight.

- We'll supply someone for the door.

- There'll be lots of roadies when you get there.

- You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck.

- We'll definitely come to the gig.

- You can depend on me.

Blues locations:

- Chicago

- St. Louis

- Kansas City

- the highway

- a crossroads

- the jail house

- an empty bed

Not Blues locations:

- Disney World

- the mall

- gallery openings

- wine tastings

- a weekend in the Hamptons

Blues transportation:

- Chevys

- Cadillacs

- a Greyhound bus

- a southbound train

- walkin'

Not Blues transportation:

- Beemers

- hot air balloons

- escalators

- canoes

You can sing the Blues if:

- you shot a man in Memphis

- you can't be satisfied

- "The man" doesn't like you

- you're an old black man

- you're blind

- you play the guitar or piano

You can't sing the Blues if:

- you are a teenager

- you are from North Dakota

- you wear a suit

- you have an IRA

- you play the oboe

Blues names:

- Sadie

- Big Mama

- Bessie

- Lightnin'

- Johnson

- Willie

- Joe (including Big, Old or Blind, but not Little)

Not Blues names:

- Sierra

- Buffy

- Chauncey

- Chad

- Julio Iglesias

- Barbara Streisand

Blues liquids:

- wine from a bottle in a sack

- Irish whiskey from a dirty glass

- muddy water (usually not for drinking)

Not Blues liquids:

- bottled spring water

- any mixed drink or a drink with a little umbrella in it

- mocha decaf

- kosher wine

Blues colors:

- blue

- brown

- black

- rusty

Not Blues colors:

- violet

- beige

- mauve

Blues lines:

- woke up this morning

- you ask for water and yo baby give you gasoline

- ma baby done left me

- in a flea bag hotel

- stabbed in the back

- fixin' to die

Not Blues lines:

- while getting liposuction treatment

- after the a tennis match

- I'm a cheerleader

An explorer was traveling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better, but he kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again. "When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got again. Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, "Oboe solo."

How late does the band play tonight?

About half a beat behind the drummer.

What's the difference between a savings bond and a drummer?

Someday the bond will mature and make some money.

A drummer tried to teach himself to play the flute.

After practicing for months, he still could not get a good tone from it.

He finally decided that he was hitting it too hard with the stick.

What sentence do drummers use the least?

"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?